Tonight's Awful Bedtime Movie: "Deadly Snail vs. Kung Fu Killer" (1977)

What's worse than a poorly-thought out, poorly-edited, poorly-acted nonsensical movie?

A poorly-thought out, poorly-edited, poorly-acted nonsensical kung fu movie.

Chang is a farm worker for his evil uncle. How evil? He's hiding from Chang the fact that Chang is in fact the heir to the estate.

For some reason Chang rescues a sea snail injured by snakes. A beautiful woman appears to him in a dream, telling him he can heal the snail with a drop of his own blood.

The snail transforms into...the beautiful woman. She falls in love with Chang and they marry. Rick Santorum's dire warnings of man/sea snail marriages have come horribly true.

Some nephew flirting and demons later, an evil woman, engaged to the nephew who flirts with the beautiful woman but who wants to marry Chang, convinces the evil uncle to steal the ring that holds the beautiful woman's power.

The evil woman and evil uncle throw the beautiful woman/sea snail into the sea. Sea snail's sisters open a can of jellied pain and the union of man and marine mollusk is preserved.

What I Learned: China's opium epidemic apparently extended well into the 1970s.